5 Things That Suck, Being a Female Erotica Author

 Apparently, with being an author, or a female for that matter, people feel entitled to assume a few things about us. We are people, just like you. We put our pants on one leg at a time, need oxygen to survive, and on occasion, we might actually consume something other than highly caffeinated beverages.  With that, I want you to understand the purpose of this list. There are some things that happen to us that make us question humanity as a whole. Here it is.

#1 –  Friend Requests

I am genuinely excited when I receive a friend request from a fellow author or fan. If they want to be my friend, I am obviously doing something right. This is the reason we are hitting the pavement after all. Unfortunately, these are far and few between for many of us.  The ones that are legitimate, you have no idea what we do before hitting the ‘CONFIRM’ button.

Did you know we stalk you before you have the chance to stalk us? That’s right! If you are planning to friend request us, be prepared for us to get to know your friend list, pictures and the last status updates you posted. We could really care less what we find, as long as it is real. Do you have friends that are a bunch of cover models? Is your profile pic a photo-shopped picture of Jennifer Aniston? If so, we stop there. At least, the smarter females do.

Let’s say we decide to forgive the fake pic, now we are digging through your friends list. We will check mutual friends, amount of friends and if we recognize anyone. If not, you better send me a link to the review you did on amazon, before I am considering you. 

We just might pursue you a little further and check your posts.  If all you do is share posts, and all of them have no comments, you can forget it.  Now, we ignore your request and share the fakery amongst our friends list. I know not all of us will do this, but I can tell you, I do and so do most of the females I know.

#2 – Using Messenger to Hook-up.

Are you for real, right now?  Did you really think a quick message was going to convince me to fall in love with you and drop everything to move to wherever you are hibernating? No.  You want to know what a message with me will look like?  I will share the last one…

HIM: Hey

ME: Hey

HIM: How r u

ME: I was fine

HIM: You is pretty

ME: Money, marriage or nudes?

HIM: Marriage

ME: Wanna see my dick?

Now, you would think it would end here and it most certainly does not. They will continue their unsuccessful attempt to convince me that they are made of money, power, or King of some unable-to-pronounce country. The worst part is… WOMEN FALL FOR IT! Guys, please?  You are making yourself look bad! To all women everywhere, STOP this nonsense. Two things are happening because of this.

First, women are allowing these ‘men of power’, to do the same thing to someone else.  They think there is permission granted to all women on social media, if ONE allows it to happen. Just STOP IT! There is no reason for you to be talking to some random guy through messenger.

Second, men, you are not that desperate! For fuck sake! If you are in need of a little love, CALL YOUR MOM! Tell her what you have been doing and how you intend to reproduce. If she approves of this behavior, PM me her messenger name. I will personally send her a pic of my dick!

#3 – Sending Dick Pics.

I am going to try really hard to be rational regarding this subject. I know that I am one of many or one of a few. One thing I do know, I have yet to see a dick pic that made me sit up straighter, stare longingly, and wish I could lick it or fuck it.  There is one thing I can guarantee. I have a screen shot of it, posted it somewhere else and laughed hysterically at it with an abundance of friends. There is no logic here.  What exactly are you intending to accomplish? Money, marriage, or nudes?

Many of you are agreeing with me here; nodding slowly with a grin plastered to your face. You have received the same messages and the same compliments made possible by social media. Are you one of the dicks that I have been graciously messaged? If so, I must ask, are you fucking serious? This is unacceptable.  You are the reason I have to lock down my computer at night and screen lock my phone. If my daughter were to open the message where you so proudly left your droopy, wrinkled, and sad dick for the world to see, I would blast your profile all over the fucking place. I have been banned for posting dick before and I would be more than willing to do it again.

In short, and I mean SHORT, keep your dick in your pants. There is definitely a time and a place for it, and I can guarantee, your dick looks like every dick on the internet. Pierce it, tattoo it, or teach it do little tricks, because that is the only way I am ever going to like it.

#4 Assuming too much.

Did you know that erotica authors don’t always practice what we write? This should be shocking to many, being I am asked on a daily basis if I want to be tied up, made a submissive, or practice anal. *INSERT DEEP BREATH* Where did life go so wrong for you? Just because we have a vivid imagination, watched a little porn and know how to Google, certainly doesn’t mean that we built a ‘play room’ in our basement, own a St Andrews cross, or have ever touched a flogger.

When you decided to assume we were in to the shit we write, we have already viewed your profile and made a list of all the reasons why we will not be friends. Some of us have already found the BLOCK button, whereas others, are awaiting the moment we will receive the dick of the hour. Christ! Do you think you are the first person that wants to tell me you want to, “fuck you like a real man.” or, “make you forget your name.”  I wish this was a lie, but I couldn’t make this shit up! These men are for real and they will say these things, within the first five minutes of the conversation.

#5 We are not here to write your fetish.

I am an author. Within the inner-workings of my brain, I share these imaginary friends. They talk to me, tell me what to write, and most of the time they as dirty as fuck. There is no room for your foot fetish, BBW fetish or acts of disgusting-ness. I could care less that you haven’t found a book about it. GOOGLE it!  Trust me! If you are thinking about it, someone else has written it.  I am not your source for masturbation material. You want to jack-off to my profile pic? Go on, then! I am not going to put my imagination to work for you.  It is not going to happen, so stop messaging me!

I know, damn well, I will be hit head on tomorrow morning with a slew of new messages and pictures that will repulse me and make me question the reason for your existence. I am adult enough to move on from it and take into consideration that you are a sixty-year-old man out to get a pretty girl to humor your attempt. The truth is, I am not your girl. I am the girl that is tired and bored with ALL of the attempts made. Consider that, the next time you decide to act like a teenager, making prank calls about their refrigerator running.

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